This semester has not been an easy one. The excuse for apathy has been an easy one. This fight has plagued me and its temptation has been an easy thing to give into. As assignments come along it has been easy to forget their due date, and forget their importance. It’s an easy excuse to come up with, we all think that our problems are bigger than anyone else’s and we all think that our problems only affect us. Thus the temptation to skip class, turn in assignments late or not give full effort becomes easier and easier. We also tend to wallow in our self pity to the point that even out friends begin to become annoyed with our complaints. We on the other hand look at them thinking that they have no idea of what we are going through.

This semester has been very trying for me. Although I have not been met with the loss of a family member, the loss of a job, or been greatly affected in any way that would bring serious harm to me I feel as if this semester has been my worst yet my best. It has indeed been both, one of learning and one of great vision.

The semester started out like any other. I was celebrating my twenty-seventh birthday, it was the start of a new year, summer seemed miles away. With the love of my life by my side classes started. The whirlwind of new faces and familiar old ones flooded our minds. Classes were going to be hard…again, but that was part of the fun of college. We were greeted each day by God’s promises and each day held something new. As the days rolled along we quickly fell into patterns, some good, and some not so good.

This was my first time living on campus as well as living in a dorm. This was the first time that I wasn’t a youth pastor living in the city on my own. I didn’t fully know all the things that God was going to teach me, show me, and bring me through. I sometimes look back now and really wish that they didn’t have to happen the way they did. But I know without them, without the hurt, and the reliance on God that I wouldn’t be where I am right now.

As I walked through this semester in my mind I see so many faces. I see people who I once had deep reliance on. I see faces of those whom I trusted and the actions that lead to the eventual break down of that trust. I also see the faces of those who’ve I’ve impacted (or at least the ones that I know about). I see those who I have been able to help through tough times, and I see those who are still in need of rescuing.

But what does any of this mean? Do any of these trials mean anything? And in the long run does anyone really care? I think that if we answer these questions the wrong way we quickly run the risk of running down the road of apathy. And the thoughts of wanting things to go back to their original state can be equally as dangerous.

We’ve locked ourselves so tightly in this bubble that we quickly start to believe that or problems are real to those on the outside world. We manufacture a worldview that we soon believe to be true. Thus destroying the reason this institution was created. But alas that is a different paper.

There has been strong evidence of the work of God in my life this semester and I would be foolish to think that in every situation, even the ones I don’t see clearly there is evidence of the creator.

February twentieth was a one year mark for me. It was a year filled with live changing events, events that forced me to make decisions, and although they weren’t always good they were made. The previous year’s summer was spent half way across the world in Japan. There was great opportunity for me to serve and live out a dream. And while in Japan God made it very clear that my chosen occupation and direction in life were not on the right track of where he wanted me. As I worked in Japan, I once again fell in love with a country and her people like I had eight years previous. This love was something that could not be explained to those around me with the type of passion that I felt within my heart. It felt as if explain the experience would not even come close to what I was actually feeling. This is not so sort of manufactured love, or some sort of displayed action for the sake of flaunting. This was a true burning passion that I felt within the depths of my inner most being. Not your typical emotional feeling about a six week trip.

When I got back to the states I found myself right back where I had left off; in charge of a growing youth group in a dying church. I also found myself facing a broken relationship with someone I claimed to love. While the work at the church kept me busy, I quickly found out that the church I was working at wasn’t right for me anymore. I had been there for four years and their lack of support for my trip to Japan had become more than just a thorn in my side. I quickly began to see how petty and selfish some of the people at that church really were. While they appeared to care about me on the outside inside was a different story.

Actions quickly spoke louder than words and the church thought they would be better off not paying me anymore. This news came about one week after I stepped back onto American soil from my trip to Japan. At first this wasn’t a huge deal, I still thought that my place was in this church and told myself that I would work harder to get back on the “good” side of those at church and regain my pay. My savings account, however, was a different story and within a short couple of months I was broke, and with a non-paying job.

School started and I found myself thrown into classes and faced with the possibility of a loss of a best friend; a friend whom I loved more than anything in life, and would have died for. This friendship was bruised during my trip to Japan, and I was desperate to repair it at any cost. Little did I realize that it would cost me sacrificing everything I believed in, taught, and respected.

While school was in progress I continued to work at the church. I quickly started to feel out of place, but in somewhat of a good way. I was beginning to see where the youth group was and where they had been taken from. The youth group that I started with was not this current group, and for the better. I also felt like I wasn’t really needed anymore; which I was ok with, because frankly, I was also realizing my role in the church. My role was to fix the youth group not the church that is something I couldn’t do. That is when I decided it was time for me to step down as youth pastor. The group was left in very capable hands and I knew that the people I was leaving in charge would do an excellent job. In leaving the church I also lost my residence and needed a place to live. It was decided that living on campus would be the best for me, and I was fortunately able to afford living on campus.

I did indeed move onto campus and began life anew as a student living in a dorm. I regained a previous job for income sake and began the semester. As I look back through the blur I noticed that my relationship with had taken a turn towards repetition and we quickly fell back into our ruts of complacency. These sorts of actions take a toll on both people involved and it was apparent this relationship was not headed for success. Again, I can say this because I’m looking back at the situation. While entangled in such emotions one can quickly overlook things that are damaging.

This led to the ending of that relationship, and while I can look back with regret of my actions I really can’t say that I haven’t learned anything through this semester or these choices. If we fail to reflect on our actions and choices, then we will be forced to learn them again; which in the long run is worse than not learning, or not realizing that you need to be learning something.

I’ve said it a thousand times, and it’s true, no one is perfect. None of us will be until we enter into the kingdom. This fact has also been pressing me this semester. Finding faults in others is very easy, and sometimes finding faults in other Christians is even easier. We find it effortless at times to say that other sins are somehow less than ours. I suppose it’s just human nature to find ourselves superior to others. Christians are no different.

The rest of the semester ended in normal fashion. The endless array of papers and projects took the focus off much of what had been taking my attention throughout the semester. There were still issues left unresolved, relationships that needed mending. Friendships damaged once again but this time far worse than the last. There is only one question this point: who do I trust? There has been a severance of ties, at least in my mind, between relationships that I have had for years. People whom I trusted or respected have lost all trust and respect from this semester. But, as I look at my own life, and as I stated before, Christians are not perfect, and I have had an unrealistic idea of what I thought Christians to be. We aren’t faultless people, and I can’t expect Christians to be perfection.

This semester has not been an easy one. The excuse for apathy has been an easy one. But if we give in, we become nothing better. We let ourselves become nothing more than just humans living lives of existence; just merely living to make it through the days. Our lives should be marked with change and our goal should not be to just exist.